Moments

There are rare moments in our lives…perhaps moments that occur in seconds or moments that occur over the series of days…but these moments are moments that we look at and say "That's when it all changed!" During these moments you can feel it all changing, it's as if the world stops spinning and time stands still…once the world starts spinning again it seems to spin in a different direction. Perhaps it feels that way because life as you know it has come to an end and you know that from that moment things will never be the same. You know that is the moment that it all changed. As I sit and reflect, I look back to the end of December of 2002…it was one of those rare moments in time that I can look at and say, "That's when it all changed. From that moment on, my life would never be the same." It's strange, here I am five years later and it's all changed again. Though the circumstances & details of the moments are much different they are also very much the same. Five years ago I was mourning the loss of one of the most important things in my life…it wasn't a physical death that took place, but it was like a death, it was the death of "us." The world stopped spinning when we went from "we" to "you" and "me." Fast forward to present day and here I am again mourning the loss of one of the most important people in my life. This time, unlike before, it is a physical death…my Daddy passed away. My world has stopped spinning, I've felt it all change, I know it's a moment that I will look at and say "that's when it all changed, from that moment on my life would never be the same." I feel lost…I feel alone…I feel this childlike vulnerability inside my heart…I feel this huge void inside of me because my daddy is no longer under the same sky, looking at the same stars…I feel scared because I've never known life without my dad, I've never had to exist in a world where he didn't…I feel this overwhelming sense of heartache…I feel…I feel things that words can't explain… Though I am filled with uncertainty beyond belief, there is one thing I know for certain, from this moment on, my life will never be the same, and I will never be the same. I will look back and know that this is when it all changed because I felt it all change.